do you ever have one of those days where you just want to burst into tears for no reason? i think i’m having one of those days. i can’t focus on any work, my hands are so shaky (for no reason) that i can’t paint, and i’m feeling a little depressed. 
a certain anniversary in my life is coming up. it’s not a good anniversary either. it’s a sad one, and probably one of the worst days of my life. i realize it’s normal to have your bad days, bad weeks, maybe even a bad month - but there are only a handful of days in my life that i consider one of the ‘worst days in my life’.
one was when my best friend tried to commit suicide. another was when i broke up with the first boy i ever loved and the subsequent day i begged him to take me back (and he said no). also, the day that i told my parents i was moving out and into an apartment with a guy and was told i was a disappointment, would get written out of their will and that i was going to hell for being a sinner. in all reality, these probably were not physically the worst days, but emotionally they were the most crippling for me. and now another day - may 3rd - is part of that small group of ‘worst days’.
for the last two years i have been hoping to not remember may 3rd, but as the date creeps up i can’t help but start dwelling on what this day means to me. i know the day will come and then it will pass with little to no fanfare but it puts such a sad weight inside me. i know i can’t change what happened that day and it’s a terrible waste of energy and emotion to think about it so much, but i really can’t help it. my mind wanders and i start thinking of all kinds of things i shouldn’t think about. i try to remember life goes on and there are lots of good and happy and wonderful days, but sometimes i forget.
something that i have noticed too… i have been getting a lot of painting done in the last week or so in preparation for upcoming shows and all the girls i have been painting are crying. they are all sad and weeping. other people have always pointed out how my paintings seem to subconsciously reflect myself and how i’m feeling. i know it’s an ‘artist thing’, but it’s not something i’ve ever done on purpose. right now though, i’m not motivated to paint anything else but these girls.
and sorry for the bad photo of this new painting. i didn’t feel like fixing it right now.
